This is a follow-up to my previous post: Being Understood.

When I read personal development material, I must admit that sometimes I feel that it is very harsh. And I can find that harshness rather tiring. Often it doesn't seem as if any slack is given. Often there is no allowing for the problem or issue. Sometimes I feel it would help so much if there was a sentence that said: "It is OK". Those three words can bring relief and energy before the journey.

The above is an ongoing view of mine. But, to continue, over the last couple of weeks I have been feeling the desire to be understood. (Which, no surprise, is where the questions from my previous post originated.) I've been wondering why I (we) occasionally feel this need? And, is it "acceptable"? Do I gently try and satisfy it, or do I admonish and reject it?

The personal development world tends to say: you have all the strength within you, or, it is simply your ego and you need to detach from that etc. Perhaps that is a position that we work towards and we allow the "weakness" of external help for now. But, JD Meier introduced an interesting thought, that of us being "social creatures". Ian Peatey also picked up on this notion, talking of being, not only separate, but also part of a "larger system". I think that they have a good point here. We are humans and perhaps we sometimes need to think about what that means.

Leading on from the idea of being a part of something larger, there is the concept of "connection". Davina talks of this in a gentle and loving way. I can very much relate to this. Here I feel the "it is OK" and also the help and strength that the support of those in this world with us can provide. This creates an environment for growth. For me, connection is the two-way street that Tess emphasizes i.e. we need to give in order to receive. And Lance extends this with his thoughts around the actual principles of relationships.

Furthermore, I feel that finding that understanding and empathy can be the first step in growth. I don't view understanding or empathy as "the giving of advice". This is something different. But, I think that through experiencing understanding and empathy, one can start to find some answers.

I now want to return to my thoughts on "it is OK". This really comes down to self-acceptance and self-love. I suppose we shouldn't "need" someone to give us permission to feel how we do feel. We should be able to give ourselves that support - be kind to ourselves. With self-love, I don't think we would fall into self-pity. Without self-love, we easily start self-chastising. But, perhaps it is a slight chicken-and-egg situation in that we do, to some extent need "the group".

Lastly:
I would like to thank all the commenters for being brave enough to tackle these questions. For me it is a gift when I hear that people feel inspired or are going to look further at their lives. (Daphne, thank you for sharing your experience of this topic. Suzen, it's great that you are going to do some inner searching. JD, I'd love you to share your framework one day.)

More comments are most welcome ;)

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	Amanda Linehan 3/27/2009 5:24:44 PM
	Hi Juliet - "It is OK" - I love that, and, yes, we all need to hear that at times! I think our need to be understood by others is totally natural, but, if we depend on it too much we will always be following the whims of others. I don't see it as a weakness, but more like, you can't always count on it and in that case when you have a strong sense of self that tides you over in those times. Great questions!!
	Davina 3/27/2009 10:00:31 PM
	Hi Juliet. When you can give yourself permission to say, "It's Okay," you stop resisting. It sure takes a load off. I think that when a person feels understood, they are receiving compassion from those around them and it helps them to feel it for themselves. Thank you for the mention. I enjoyed the questions you asked -- they really make you stop and think.
	Lance 3/28/2009 4:40:04 AM
	Hi Juliet, It really is OK. This is our life. And maybe everything doesn't go perfectly. Certainly it does not, in fact. And that's okay. We are doing what we can at any given moment in time. And that we're all at different levels on this continuum, that's okay also. I really do see this, our life, as a journey. A journey that has ups and downs. It is okay...
	Laurie | Express Yourself to Success 3/28/2009 12:11:12 PM
	When I tell myself that 'it is OK' I allow myself the freedom not only to feel what I'm feeling, but also to make me open to heal. If I'm not allowing myself to be OK, then I'm denying not only the healing I need, but also growth I'll receive from the situation. I learned this from a friend many years ago when he gave me the permission I needed to be OK. Now, thanks to him, I don't need anyone's permission and I know 'it is OK.' :) Thanks for the post and the questions - they're very thoughtful.
	Julie 3/28/2009 4:07:48 PM
	Juliet, I'm sorry to be so late to the game, but here I am anyway, and I'm going to be "a fly in the ointment." "It's okay" is good and right, yet it's never helped me. When you say there's not much slack or consideration for the problem or the issue, I used to feel that way, too. I've come to see/think/believe, however, that everything about our emotions is all caught up in a knot along with belief and perception. Given that, a need for being understood or feeling appreciated comes from within and has nothing whatsoever to do with an external issue, because the external issue isn't the problem; it just provides a means to see where the true issue lies. It mirrors an internally perceived lack, a disconnect. You asked: "There is always so much emphasis on developing strength from within. Is there something wrong with these needs for 'external' resources?" And my answer would be there's nothing wrong with wanting appreciation and to be understood as long as the reason we're wishing is simply because we desire a compatible moment with another person. It will never work (satisfy us) if we're seeking some validation. Another question: "Is this understanding and empathy actually what we are searching for, or is it something else?" My answer would be that it's usually something else we seek. It has taken me a long time to realize this: that when I'm having those moments of wanting to be understood, appreciated, it's really that in those moments I've somehow lost touch with the understanding that I am deeply and fully loved by God/Universe/Higher Power/All. As long as I DO feel the connection, the love, then the need for validation doesn't exist and it's MUCH easier to say "it's okay." Because it is. In those moments, it truly is. As for the interpersonal moments, peace is more important than seeking external fulfillment, but having INTERNAL fulfillment negates any external "need" for it. Did I make any sense?
	LifeMadeGreat | Juliet 3/29/2009 3:28:36 AM
	Hi Amanda Very balanced view. At the end of the day, we can't rely on others to be the source of our feeling better or moving on. Hi Davina Resisting. That is a very good point. Then there is space and the openness to move forward. Hi Lance Thank you Hi Laurie That is a wonderful way to look at things - it takes away all of the inner judgment Hi Julie There is a great deal in what you have written - and it makes sense ;) Possibly some is beyond where I've been in this topic, but that is only all of the better. Thank you for your insights. I am going to go through this. Thank you for the further thoughts everybody! Juliet
	Clarissa Alverson 3/29/2009 8:23:01 AM
	Juliet--In one sense, it's okay, absolutely perfectly okay to feel whatever you're feeling. However, in another sense it's a problem, because if you were totally okay with it, you wouldn't have formed the desire for change in the first place. I have these kinds of frustrating moments just like you do. I call them "small circle" thinking. When I was a kid, our elementary school had a small creek bordering the playground, and it was great fun to drop leaves and sticks in it and follow their progress as they flowed downstream. Mostly, the flow was smooth, but sometimes they got stuck it little whirlpools and went round and round in the same place. That's become a great and useful image for me in understanding my own personal development. Mostly my thinking flows forward smoothly, I grow, learn, and make progress. But sometimes, I get caught in a little whirlpool where I just keep thinking the same things over and over, and I feel like I can't get a good resolution-small circle thinking ("maybe I should change, but I don't know how, well maybe I should just accept myself as I am, but it still bothers me, so maybe I should change.and so on"). Once I realize this is what's happening, I can start doing something totally new and different, which is usually enough to break the cycle and get me in the flow again. It sounds like that's where you are now, and the desire to be understood and get external input is a way of saying you feel like you're not making progress in your thinking, and you want a sort of "jump start" to get you out of the whirlpool of your own thoughts.
	suzen 3/29/2009 1:56:57 PM
	I'm ok. You're ok. ( Wow, that was a book from what? the 70's? Here I go dating myself again!) I think a continual quest for understanding could be tied into a need to have feelings/thoughts validated - and that's okay. I don't always understand my husband, but I still love him. He would much prefer the love than the understanding. The self-love and acceptance you wrote about at the end is key. Its crucial. You know how old people say, "If I only knew THEN, what I know now!" ? I'm there. If I knew what a complete and utter waste of my time and energy it was trying to MAKE people understand me (or like me), I would have never bothered. Also I'm grateful that I learned (finally) to love myself. Its ok. Great post - love all the thinking going on! It's better than ok, its great!
	Giovanna Garcia 3/30/2009 12:47:51 AM
	Hi Juliet I agree with J.D. that it is becasue we are "social creatures" and we live our life in a pack, at work, at home etc.. Therefore, each one of us feels the need to be accepted to a certain degree. And the feeling of being understood is a part of being accepted. As long as we are not 100% depended on being accepted, a reasonable amount of acceptance is healthy for us. Thank you, Giovanna Garcia Imperfect Action is better than No Action
	LifeMadeGreat | Juliet 3/30/2009 4:42:58 AM
	Hi Clarissa Thank you for your views and the analogy. I'm going to have a closer look at that. I suzen Well, come to think of it, I remember that book too- perhaps we leave it at that ;) Thank you for sharing your experience on "old people". Hi Giovanna Yes, I like the theme that JD brought up. We are humans. Thanks to all, Juliet
	J.D. Meier 3/30/2009 10:00:06 AM
	Beautiful post. I like your exploration and sharing and asking the tough questions. You definitely hit the key insight. I think in Facebook terms it would be "Friend yourself first." No matter where you go, there you are, so you ultimately have to be your best friend (more friend or coach than critic.) I think it's ultimately about having goals that are bigger than themselves. Frodo didn't have a bunch of time to worry about his limits as a hobbit ... he was on a mission. Anybody in his shoes would have a tough time ... it's all about knowing your strengths and weaknesses and how you play your cards. When we're on our missions and living our values, we attract like minds and values. That's why self-awareness is key. You're right though ... it always starts in our own core. It's inside out. We're the ultimate filter and meaning makers so we have to believe "It's OK" first. Luckily, there's a name for this. It's a growth-mindset over a fixed-mindset. As long as you have a growth mindset and you "friend yourself first" life's a bunch of card games where you learn how to play a better hand ... and luck is where skill and opportunity meet. BTW - I agree, a lot of personal dev stuff is either harsh or preachy. I think there needs to be more emphasis on "why" and "how", rather than just "what." There's tons of opportunity for sharing patterns and practices.
	Chris Edgar | Purpose Power Coaching 3/30/2009 12:26:58 PM
	Hi Juliet -- thanks for this post. As a coach I find that the most important service I can provide is listening to someone and letting them know that I understand how they're seeing the world. I find that people value the experience of "being gotten" far more than any advice or urging them to take action. Best, Chris
	Evita 3/30/2009 2:27:03 PM
	Hi Juliet, Wow great article and you gave me a lot to think about here personally as a writer, etc... In some ways I feel that I tend to go into the "harsher" side of self-development, but in other ways I feel that I actually do not depending on what perspective different people are looking for. My whole purpose with the site Evolving Beings was not to go into the full spectrum of personal development anyway, but rather more into spirituality that awakens us to our higher selves. I think your question deals a little too with personal character of a person or what stage in their life they are at. I have a perfect example. My other passion and side of life is my holistic health background and when I counsel/talk with people, I do have a no-nonsense/no-slack approach. And I have had a person or two tell me that I am too rigid in this area. But that is my goal actually, as I explain, because I feel/know when it comes to health for example we have too many people who give too much "slack" and hence our health for many is not any better than it was before. We do have a nation in crisis in the US and not much better here in Canada. And having said this I know full well going into this that my holistic health paradigm will not appeal to many, and I am okay with that, as I am gearing towards the group of people out there who want the raw facts on health and nothing else. I do not want to dance around issues of "eat this in moderation, etc... stuff" and the biggest reason for it is because inside I feel like I would be cheating people out of something and promoting something I don't believe in to be effective. So going back to personal development and you asking the question you did, I think it is the same with the personal development sites you mention. We are all at different levels of our evolution, and it is not even a matter of "more evolved" or "less evolved" - not at all! It is a matter of our souls having different needs at different times and what speaks to you at one time may not speak to you at another point in your life. So yes it is okay for you to feel like this, you just have to seek info that matches your vibration/needs or else you will find that the information is not helpful or a turn off.
	Tess The Bold Life 3/31/2009 2:54:09 PM
	I agree with the not giving advice thing! However I get caught up in it at the worst moments.
	Lily On Earth 4/2/2009 4:47:17 AM
	It is OK! You are loved far beyond measure just the way you are. You are amazing and wonderful, you are. Love and Blessings, Lily
	Barb Hartsook 4/2/2009 5:46:12 AM
	Suzen referred to "how old people say, 'If I only knew THEN, what I know now!'" I just asked myself that question for an upcoming Blog Carnival. Of course it's all academic, but still... I thought of what I actually do know now -- and in most cases am still learning -- and wrote a list of 10 things. There are several It's Okay's on the list. It's okay to break the rules, to fail, to begin again, to communicate more by saying less, to change my mind, to walk in different shoes -- my own and when courageous try on someone else's. There are 18 of us in my immediate family. My hubby, kids and their spouses, and their kids. I will never fully understand any of them, nor they me. However, I do validate them all, their personalities and temperaments, their ways of processing information that differs from mine. (And that only happened once I validated myself.) Number 6 in my list of 10 is: Not everyone will approve of me, like me, or care a whit about what I do. They will survive. And so will I. Great post, Juliet. And I've learned from the commenters as well. Thank you. Barb
	LifeMadeGreat | Juliet 4/2/2009 7:32:42 AM
	Hi JD You have bought in a number of fresh and useful ideas - thank you (again) Hi Chris It's wonderful to hear your experience. I recall one of my first clients as a kinesiologist. She sat down in my office, started to talk and then the tears began to flow. Up until that point she had held onto everything. I did some work with her later on in the session, but, I honestly believe that the main solution to her issues came in that release of emotion. Hi Evita Very good point about depending on where one is at in one's life. That is probably why feeling the desire for understanding is not an ongoing issue. Thank you for sharing so much more as well. Hi Tess At least you recognise that ;) Hi Lily Thank you for the support - I'm sure many appreciate it. Hi Barb You are right about validating oneself first. And your exercise is a wonderful means of gaining some stability, confidence and direction. Thank you to everybody for making this discussion even richer. Juliet
	Hilary 4/10/2009 11:20:38 AM
	Hi Juliet .. I loved the responses you created and everyone has been so helpful .. to you as well as us .. I'll come back here and reach this again .. your blog is always good and offers food for thought. Thanks Juliet .. go well .. Hilary Melton-Butcher Positive Letters
	Liara Covert 4/11/2009 8:37:02 AM
	As you say, you need no permission to love and accept the true self. Yet, some human beings benefit from encouragement or, reminders of what is possible. People are not always aware of the power they have to shape their lives. Many people appreicate confidence boots.
	LifeMadeGreat | Juliet 4/11/2009 1:17:26 PM
	Hi Hilary Glad that you too have benefited from this discussion. Hi Liara I also think it is often easy to forget the power that we truely have. Juliet
	Sara 4/14/2009 11:54:02 AM
	Juliet, Well, I am very late for this party to follow up on Julie's comment. On the other hand, it gave me a chance to read the thoughts of the other people who commented. I really liked what Clarissa take on this subject, especially her "small circle thinking" and the way she described this. I can connect with this idea. I also liked what Liara said about people benefiting from encouragement and reminders of "what is possible" for them. Regarding Liara's comment...I don't know if was a typo or not, but I liked the idea of "confidence boots"...it makes me think of pulling on my confidence boots and just struttin my stuff:~) I think your post is wonderful, not just in the subject matter, but also for the "conversation" it has generated in the comment box. Good for you :~)
	LifeMadeGreat | Juliet 4/18/2009 11:26:47 AM
	Hi Sara Yes, it has been a wonderful discussion. I didn't see the "confidence boots", but I like it too. I wonder if they can be bought? ;) Juliet